photo credit: Jesper Särnesjö
photo credit: Jesper Särnesjö

While most people grow up believing that there is a certain type of behavior that is attributable only to girls and another appropriate only to boys, gender is not as simple as all of that.  While it is generally true that physical sex can be determined from chromosomal differences (although not always, approximately 1% of babies born every year are actually classed as intersex,) gender simply isn’t that simple.  Cross dressers comprise many different points along the gender continuum.  Consider the spectrum as such – on one end you have extreme femininity, the opposite end is extreme masculinity, and in between is every possible mix of the two including the middle extreme of displaying no gender.

Psychologically speaking, Jung was the first to point out that people all have a need to develop both their masculine and their feminine sides.  How people navigate this development varies widely from person to person.  Some people work very hard to cultivate attitudes or feelings that are often contributed only to the opposite gender.  For example, a genetic female may work to develop assertiveness – historically considered a masculine trait in the Western World.  While a genetic male my work to develop his ability to care for other people and show compassion.  Are these traits actually genetic?  Its very difficult to tease out what is an actual physical difference vs. what is due to the very different ways in which our culture raises boys and girls from infancy on.

Cross dressers typically fall in a few different places along the gender spectrum.  There are three major reasons that men decide to begin cross dressing.  The first reason is when a person knows that they have been assigned the wrong gender based on the way they have always felt since childhood.  Chromosomes do not always match up with experience and aren’t always the best way to assign gender.  Why this is no one is completely sure, but we do know that throughout history this has always been true.  Terms used to describe this group of cross dressers are either transgender or transsexual.  Generally the terms are interchangable and are set by professionals.  Transgender is current term du jour per the organization – WPATH (World Profession Association of Transgender Health Inc.).  Transgender people cross dress in order to feel more comfortable as themselves.  In addition, many transgender individuals wish to permanently change their physical sex through the use of hormone therapies and potentially gender reassignment surgery.

The second category of cross dressers do not feel they have been assigned the wrong gender, but do wish to experience life from the perspective of the opposite gender.  Cross dressing provides the means to temporarily be a member of the opposite sex.  This group has no sexual motivation for cross dressing per se and has no desire to permanently change their physical sex.  The majority of male cross dressers fall into this second category.  Sometimes in medical literature this group may be referred to as “transvestites.”  Cross dressers are most often straight men, although the practice of dressing in “drag” is also common in the gay male community and to a lesser extent in the lesbian community.  Straight women are not typically labeled as cross dressers – mostly due to a wider range of clothing options being socially acceptable for women.

The last category of cross dressers are those that find sexual pleasure or arousal through the act of wearing clothing belonging to the opposite gender.  This is sometimes referred to as sexual fetishism.  The act of cross dressing may be limited to a single article of clothing such as panties, bras, or high heels; or may involve an entire outfit.  People who cross dress for sexual pleasure tend not to do so in public and it is difficult to estimate how prevalent this category truly is.  It is important to note that sexual fetishes are not considered “unhealthy” unless they provide psychological distress or are harmful to another person.

The gender spectrum is much more varied than what your typical high school health text will suggest.  The current social climate continues to stigmatize variation by labeling differences in the gender spectrum as “mental disorders.”  These classifications, however, should not provide the excuse to stigmatize difference, but rather the opportunity to receive support – especially through medical treatment for transgender individuals who wish to correct their physical gender assignment.

Most men who cross dress describe their relationships with their wives as being very close. Certainly you don’t want to do anything to hurt that. Hiding your cross dressing from her long term, after you’ve become comfortable with it yourself, only serves to drive a communications wedge in your marriage. If you value your relationship, I’m sure you understand how important open and honest communication is to maintaining it. While she may be surprised at first, if your relationship is good she will value your openness. If you don’t have a good relationship with your wife, counseling or some other form of help may be in order for you as a couple if you intend on staying married.

Just remember, coming out is your choice, but there are accidents and mishaps that happen that might take this choice out of your hands. When you are ready, it is better if you have this discussion with your wife yourself, rather than her finding out. If she finds out on her own, you may have to deal with her loosing trust in you because of hiding from her. Secrets kill relationships, cross dressing doesn’t.